It's time

I think it's time for a girls' weekend or get-a-way or escape. If I don't take a voluntary break, I may be forcibly removed, then either incarcerated or committed.

I feel like I've been on the edge of a "Mommy Explosion" the entire day. It's a wonder I don't have "lock-jaw" from all the teeth clenching!

I am at a critical point where I need to make some serious decisions about my parenting. Something has got to be done with Leah's demanding yelling and screaming. She's learning bad coping skills from me...although it's been a little while since I actually screamed. That must be her special gift. I am extra sensitive to Rebekah's constant ramblings (and it's no wonder since she's always by my side). Daniel seems determined to test me at every turn. Nathan forgets that he doesn't make the decisions. Joseph won't sleep more than 2 hours at a time...around the clock. And to top off the insults, my house refuses to keep itself clean!!

Every time I try to steal a moment for myself, the moment gets stolen from me. I actually lasted 10 minutes in my sewing room while Joseph napped this morning. After the initial 10 minutes, the girls wandered in and started whispering about me as if I couldn't see or hear them. They were hiding in the closet and when I stepped over to the ironing board, Leah whispered, "She's gone." Then she stepped out of the closet, saw me and slipped back into the closet.

And then I sit back and take an objective look at my kids. I try to see them from a stranger's eyes. Suddenly I am awash in various emotions. First, I'm jealous that someone gets such cute kids (SO many people tell me how cute my kids are), then I feel a strange mixture of pride and love as I realize they are my kids, followed by shame that I don't appreciate them more and finally, frustration at the whole situation.

It's about then that I resolve to spend better time with them. Only that always gets foiled by an honest distraction which eventually leads to a less important reason to postpone the quality time I know they need. Adding to the stress is the frustration of sitting in a messy room. Did I mention that my house won't stay clean?

Plus I have to feel the pressure of inventing a decent meal from the groceries on hand which are limited because I either can't get out to shop or just can't talk myself into taking 3-5 kids to the store.

In the back of my mind, I'm wishing I could be sitting at the computer, reading a book or working in the sewing room. I wouldn't even mind doing a little spring cleaning if I thought I could use it as ME time.

And that is why I'm feeling like a bad mother, who doesn't do anything to cure the problem, but finds the time to whine about it publicly.

I should send out invitations to my pity-party.