Looking Forward

I have been looking forward to August for some time now. July was a very rough month for me. Actually, it was likely one of my roughest months on record (though I don't know what record that would be).

I think, maybe, my plate is too full. I remember a trip to Duff's (think Chuck-a-Rama) with my Brownie troop when I was about 7 or 8 years old. One of the mothers there loaded her plate so much that it was at least 8 inches high and came to a point at the top. Possibly, it was only 6 inches high, but my young age distorted the truth a bit. Regardless, it was an obscene amount of food and I was appropriately stunned. I was also impressed that nothing was rolling off.

I feel like my "plate" in July was like that woman's lunch plate. The exception is that things were rolling off!

Looking back, I can't recall too many things that stick out as solid reasons why I would feel so completely overwhelmed. Now, don't assume I'm making up trouble...I can remember of plenty of unpleasant experiences. However, I think that I had a little tougher time swallowing the ugliness before a new batch was upon me. Eventually, I was buried.

Of course, motherhood is no walk in the park. You see all the beautiful images of mothers cradling their babies and putting a gentle arm around a child's shoulder. But where are the shots of the baby throwing its head back in a mid-Sacrament Meeting tantrum and nearly crashing to the floor? And why is it when my arm goes around a child's shoulders, it's more likely in an effort to restrain bad behavior?

Then there are the faith-filled stories of enduring to the end and magnifying a calling in such a way to make one think that church service is so simple. Huh. My visiting teaching partner threw me a loop this month and by the time I could try to save the situation, I was going out of town and returned with sick kids. The end of the month slipped away and a very heavy feeling of guilt sat right down in my lap. I had a hard time even getting to the phone and so I made no contact at all. HEAVY guilt.

I absolutely love (read sarcasm here if you haven't already) that one of the temple recommend questions deals with relationships with family members. I seem a target for family problems. Admittedly, I have caused some of them. Others just seem to find me. Every time that question starts coming, I tell myself that I'm trying and that the relationships are on the mend. To be honest, things are at best - stagnant. I have a situation that is suffering from 35 years of problems, but most recently about 15 months. And I'm to the point of not caring anymore. To care is to stress and I've learned that doesn't help. I could lie to myself and say it doesn't matter and that would take care of the issue, but not solve the problem. So I wait for apologies that will never come and try to pretend none of it exists.

But it looks pretty stupid to pretend something doesn't exist when it's in the same room with you.

The last weekend in July was a big family weekend for us. The kids saw every single one of their cousin, plus a few extras. The first stop was an extended family reunion for Chad's dad's family. I was not really looking forward to going. I haven't made any really solid connections here. Most of the family is easy to get along with when we are together, but once we go home, it seems to be a distant memory. Being an in-law is a fairly precarious position! Of course, there is usually someone that doesn't seem to like you...no matter what. It seems I am normal in this case. (Not that it makes me feel any better.) And after 3 days of visiting with that side of the family, we moved over to mine. I've already mentioned how that is going.

I think I put off somewhat of an "I don't care, anyway" attitude. It's a big facade. I do care and it pecks away at me almost constantly. I hate that the situations are so bad and I feel like a failure to try to fix them. Then my pride gets in the way and I am mentally beating my head against the wall.

So anyway, July was less than stellar. I don't want to repeat it. I'm trying to concentrate on the things that my little family needs the most and trust that the other issues will still be there when I'm able to honestly deal with them.

In Sunday School today, the discussion was on being a good leader and the topic got around to parenting (a little something I'm stressing over). Someone I admire and respect mentioned that the environment has to be pleasant to get pleasant results...or something to that effect. That makes a lot of sense. And that could explain some of the failures we've been having. I haven't been that pleasant. I am going to have to be better.

So here's to August! RIP to July.