Looking Forward

I have been looking forward to August for some time now. July was a very rough month for me. Actually, it was likely one of my roughest months on record (though I don't know what record that would be).

I think, maybe, my plate is too full. I remember a trip to Duff's (think Chuck-a-Rama) with my Brownie troop when I was about 7 or 8 years old. One of the mothers there loaded her plate so much that it was at least 8 inches high and came to a point at the top. Possibly, it was only 6 inches high, but my young age distorted the truth a bit. Regardless, it was an obscene amount of food and I was appropriately stunned. I was also impressed that nothing was rolling off.

I feel like my "plate" in July was like that woman's lunch plate. The exception is that things were rolling off!

Looking back, I can't recall too many things that stick out as solid reasons why I would feel so completely overwhelmed. Now, don't assume I'm making up trouble...I can remember of plenty of unpleasant experiences. However, I think that I had a little tougher time swallowing the ugliness before a new batch was upon me. Eventually, I was buried.

Of course, motherhood is no walk in the park. You see all the beautiful images of mothers cradling their babies and putting a gentle arm around a child's shoulder. But where are the shots of the baby throwing its head back in a mid-Sacrament Meeting tantrum and nearly crashing to the floor? And why is it when my arm goes around a child's shoulders, it's more likely in an effort to restrain bad behavior?

Then there are the faith-filled stories of enduring to the end and magnifying a calling in such a way to make one think that church service is so simple. Huh. My visiting teaching partner threw me a loop this month and by the time I could try to save the situation, I was going out of town and returned with sick kids. The end of the month slipped away and a very heavy feeling of guilt sat right down in my lap. I had a hard time even getting to the phone and so I made no contact at all. HEAVY guilt.

I absolutely love (read sarcasm here if you haven't already) that one of the temple recommend questions deals with relationships with family members. I seem a target for family problems. Admittedly, I have caused some of them. Others just seem to find me. Every time that question starts coming, I tell myself that I'm trying and that the relationships are on the mend. To be honest, things are at best - stagnant. I have a situation that is suffering from 35 years of problems, but most recently about 15 months. And I'm to the point of not caring anymore. To care is to stress and I've learned that doesn't help. I could lie to myself and say it doesn't matter and that would take care of the issue, but not solve the problem. So I wait for apologies that will never come and try to pretend none of it exists.

But it looks pretty stupid to pretend something doesn't exist when it's in the same room with you.

The last weekend in July was a big family weekend for us. The kids saw every single one of their cousin, plus a few extras. The first stop was an extended family reunion for Chad's dad's family. I was not really looking forward to going. I haven't made any really solid connections here. Most of the family is easy to get along with when we are together, but once we go home, it seems to be a distant memory. Being an in-law is a fairly precarious position! Of course, there is usually someone that doesn't seem to like you...no matter what. It seems I am normal in this case. (Not that it makes me feel any better.) And after 3 days of visiting with that side of the family, we moved over to mine. I've already mentioned how that is going.

I think I put off somewhat of an "I don't care, anyway" attitude. It's a big facade. I do care and it pecks away at me almost constantly. I hate that the situations are so bad and I feel like a failure to try to fix them. Then my pride gets in the way and I am mentally beating my head against the wall.

So anyway, July was less than stellar. I don't want to repeat it. I'm trying to concentrate on the things that my little family needs the most and trust that the other issues will still be there when I'm able to honestly deal with them.

In Sunday School today, the discussion was on being a good leader and the topic got around to parenting (a little something I'm stressing over). Someone I admire and respect mentioned that the environment has to be pleasant to get pleasant results...or something to that effect. That makes a lot of sense. And that could explain some of the failures we've been having. I haven't been that pleasant. I am going to have to be better.

So here's to August! RIP to July.

A realization

I came to a realization about myself today while driving home. I was sneak-eating a week-old, stale pop-tart but I couldn't bear to just throw it away. I was wondering why I would do something like that, but yet I held onto my goal. I finished that stale pastry. Bonus points for me.

Then I realized that I am a stress eater. I actually already knew that. I made a deeper discovery than that. My "trigger" stress is anger. I eat when I'm angry!

Lately, that has meant a lot of munching. Some little demon in my head is saying, "Neener, neener" to my kids every time I sneak a snack. "I get a snack, and you don't because you're misbehaving!" This is SO not healthy in more than one way.

There are five little independent (and sometimes down right naughty) catalysts to my anger. I need to find a "happy place" and soon! (Because I don't deal with my anger JUST through food.) I could also use a little more sleep.

So I guess if you want to see how well I've been managing my anger, you could just watch me from the rear. No flash photography, please.

Treading Water

That's what I feel like I'm doing in my life right now. There are so many things that need to be done amongst the things that are demanding I get done, despite the things I want to do and instead of the things that I should have done. Make any sense? Exactly my point.

I feel like I am being pulled in 50 different directions when all I really want to do it hide in my room and read a book or take a nap. Even the computer sees less of me. (I admit, that's probably a good thing.)

My house is a never ending chore that refuses to cooperate. One thing can be blocking the hallway for a day or a week. It doesn't move until I move it, or someone kicks it to a new spot or I explode in a fireball of emotions and everyone quickly/quietly restores order.

I grounded the toy room and it's entire contents for two weeks (we still have one week to go). Who is suffering the most? ME. Now Leah doesn't know what to do and doesn't like any of my suggestions. The kids find other places to amuse themselves. I wouldn't mind at all if they had even a sliver of responsibility. Everyone just drops things where they are standing at the moment. Sometimes it's within minutes of me just picking it up!!!!

Daniel is struggling with his math and therefore causing much contention all evening about it. He needs me to sit down with him and focus. Too bad there are 49 other things I'm supposed to be doing.

Nathan is shrinking before our very eyes because he refuses to eat or even TASTE anything new. And when he laughs while we yell at him (for jumping on the furniture during scriptures, etc.), I just want to scream.

Leah has become quite bossy to Rebekah and whines or screams most things at the rest of us. For just one day, I wish she would keep her promise of, "I'm never talking to you AGAIN!"

Rebekah isn't too bad. I'm just overloaded and can't even stand it when she comes up to me and leans on my leg. (How bad off am I if the touch from my own child raises my blood pressure?)

Joseph has a deep attachment to me that involves crying when I walk out of the room...while Daddy is holding him. He HATES getting his diaper changed and pretty much cries the second I sit down anywhere with him. I have to stuff him into his car seat every time we go somewhere. How do little babies wiggle so much? He has been suffering with two little teeth for over a week now. They started coming in with the two middle ones, but never got past the first corner poking through. We're all feeling the pain.

I dreamt last night that I was being put in as Sunday School Pres. I am SO GLAD that is never going to happen! But I still feel the odd stress of having to pick counselors. Why do my dreams do that to me? Does anyone else get intense and unsettling dreams?

Thanks for letting me vent. Now I have to go get Joseph. He's been wanting out of that crib for the past 20 minutes.