What I really mean...apparently

In my illustrious 9 years as a parent, I've learned that one language can be very flexible. It amazes me that something I think is so clearly expressed one way actually enters the immature brain and translates into something entirely different (usually opposite).

I can still clearly remember the time Daniel thought I said to go play in the mud, when I'd really told him to stay out of it. And how do you punish a 7-year-old for supposedly being obedient? He must have thought he had the best mother in the world as he was out there making a big mess.

So I've been mentally compiling some examples of bad translation. Maybe these aren't so specific to our family. (I surely hope I'm not fighting this one alone. That would be really unfair.) If you have any you'd like to add, in the slim chance I've actually missed one, please add it in the comments.

In no particular order:
(My words in bold...their translation following)

NO...Not right now. Ask me again in a few minutes.
Don't play in my room...Only play in my room when I can't see you.
No drinks by the computer...Well, it's OK if you don't plan to spill it.
NO...NO way you thought of that all by yourself! Go ahead with your genius idea!
Finish your food...Finish only the food you want to eat. Dessert is still coming because you want it.
Is your room clean?...Can we see the ceiling?
NO...Not enough emotion for me. Ask again, but this time, jump up and down. And I want to see REAL tears.
Be quiet, please...You might have been quiet if you could have heard the request in the first place.
Stop fighting...Stop being so gentle. If you're going to start it, get it over with quickly and efficiently.
NO...It only applies to the person who asked. YOU are cleared to go ahead with the plan, as long as you weren't dumb enough to ask permission.
It's time for prayer...Now is the time to shout out a bunch of nonsense so we can all hear you and give you the spotlight.
Someone feed the cats...The cats need food. Just thought I'd share my 'to do' list out loud.
Please be reverent...Beat up your brother silently...duh!
STOP...Please continue.
Stay out of my sewing room...Don't do any sewing in my sewing room. Otherwise, go ahead and completely enjoy yourselves.
Come here...Come when it's convenient.
NO...I just want to be mean to you.
Is your homework done?...Do you feel like you should be done with your homework?
Please share...One for her, one for her, one for him, one for him, the rest for you.
Please sweep the floor...Please use this broom as a weapon on the closest unfortunate soul.
I'm really getting angry...But I'm not mad enough yet.

Yeah, I've probably left some out.

And I'm not a completely negative person.

Great Job!/Nice picture./You look nice./Thank you./I love you...I love you. Thanks for being part of our family.

But I hope we can all learn the same language soon. It would really ease some of the stress around here!