Trust Issues

I have them.  Deep-rooted, too.  I'd tell you their history, but I don't know if I can trust you.  And so the cycle continues.

The thing I hate about moving the most, even more than packing/unpacking and finding new schools and doctors, is having to get to know people again.  Don't misunderstand what I mean.  I like to meet new people.  I think I'm pretty good at having a conversation with someone I've just met.  But everyone needs a base of operations.  I keep losing mine.

I have a child in a similar situation.  They are struggling with change and finding a new place to belong.  I have spent so much energy on this little soul to smooth the transition and support it through the bumpy spots.  But I'm also a little envious because while they can get away with leaving a situation in tears and finding safety at my side, I don't have that freedom.  (Honestly, I believe all of my children are struggling in some way or another, though one seems to be doing better than most.  Others are just in survival mode and retreating into a silence that seems standoffish...because it kind of is.  And the adults they are dealing with aren't really reaching out to them.)  I am not naming names to respect their feelings.  But if you know us well enough, you know who they are.

Recently, I've had several experiences that have caused me to want to go into my own standoffish survival mode.  The general gist of what keeps happening is:  Hey, Arlyn!  Come join us!  What is your opinion?  No, really, we want to know.  That opinion isn't the same as ours.  We don't accept it.  Go back to what you were doing.  Haha, just kidding (not really).

Because of these recent interactions, I have started to stay on the fringe.  And yesterday, they left me right there.  They did bring me a chair from their group so I didn't have to stand the whole time...in the fringe.  To be fair, I was dealing with a fringe-seeking child, but even after that issue resolved itself, I continued to hold down my chair and keep an eye on the minutes ticking by.  When it was finally time to leave, I felt such a chasm that I had one of my children return the chair for me so I wouldn't have to face the other women and walked to my car without saying anything to anyone.  Next time, I'll just wait in the car.  The hope of being included is starting to fade.

Why do I have such trust issues?  Well, some of them come from a bit of a nightmare that keeps repeating itself:  I make a friend that I think is a pretty close friend and start to share my insecurities, including the fact that I keep losing friends and don't understand why (to which they are supportively appalled at), and they end up ditching me down the road, too.  Warm fuzzies?  No.  Unless you want to count the heat I feel in my face as they "don't see" me when they walk past.

And why do I so keenly feel the sting of being excluded from a group?  That's also something I can't share without trusting you.

If you are the person that immediately has a bunch of suggestions on how I should be friendlier and just introduce myself, trust in the atonement, pray, etc., then I will know I won't be opening up to you.  This tells me you are making judgements with assumptions and not facts and you will not be my "safe place" when I need you.