My Friend's problem

My Friend has a problem that's got her frustrated and torn. Her mother.

It's a tricky situation since she loves her mother and sees many good things in her. The problem is her mother likes to complain and spread negative comments...a lot. She has got criticism down to a science. Unfortunately, it's a one way street (isn't it usually?). Her mother doesn't take criticism well AT ALL and holds a wicked grudge.

Things that her mother wouldn't say to her face are generously shared with other members of the family. Her mother claims that she doesn't visit overnight because of the family cat, but tells everyone else it's because her daughter "sat her down" and lectured her and the step-dad on 'everything' that was wrong with them. It doesn't matter that it happened over a year ago...there is no going back! The strangest part? My friend only learned this recently, from her sister, but her mother claims they've discussed it.

My friend also complains that her mom spreads bad news like missionary tracts. For example, if my friend and her mother are engaged in a conversation of speaking less than favorably about a sister (that is not good for several reasons!), her mother will tell the sister everything that my friend said, but conveniently leave out the things she said! It doesn't matter if it was said in passing, in frustration or the heat of the moment...it all gets forwarded. (To be honest, my friend should be smarter about all of this. She's told me that her mother did this with her and her siblings when she was a teenager.)

As a mother, myself, it is hard for me to understand how a mother keeps trying to pit her children against each other. I work hard with my kids to keep them saying nice things towards and about each other. I want them to love and respect each other...not try to find fault. I have my own relationships with my sisters and brother that I would like to strengthen. We are trying to be adults instead of still acting like children. It's hard to break tradition.

Anyway, my friend is struggling with a stressful situation with her mother that just doesn't seem to be getting any better. She's frustrated and hurt that her mother keeps on with such behavior, while professing other feelings and motives. (Needless to say, there are deeper issues than just this.) She would like to just cut communications altogether. I think part of it is spite and part of it is helpless frustration. She doesn't want to deny her children a healthy relationship with their grandmother, but that's also the problem...she doesn't want her children to be influenced by negative comments and criticisms (received or witnessed).

So that's my Friend's problem. I don't know what to tell her. I know it frustrates and stresses her a lot. It's not an easy decision...to cut off communication with your mother. I've told her to commit the problem to prayer. I'll pray for her, too.