Volunteers needed

Now accepting applications for volunteers in the following areas:

Baby Holding Prefer someone soft and warm with two arms that have nothing else to do. May be required to stand and sway for extended periods of time. Must be willing to work at any time of the day or night.

Playmate Must be willing to answer mind-numbing questions repeatedly. Will be required to spend long periods of time on the floor. Please provide own source of water as your voice will go hoarse from reading aloud too long.

Referee Need someone with the wisdom of King Solomon and the cunning of a fox. Gullible or "push-over" persons need not reply.

Cook Gourmet chef not a requirement. Must have recipes other than jello and mac 'n' cheese. Being able to work in small spaces with limited resources is helpful. If the other volunteers fail in their duties, must be able to multi-task!

Maid Endless energy a must. Prefer someone slow to anger as your work will likely not be appreciated. Includes basics such as: dishes, floors, laundry, bathrooms, etc. Windows are negotiable.

If interested in any of these positions, please reply ASAP.