Tantrums and Tears

I threw a tantrum tonight. It was a controlled tantrum. I ranted, but I didn't rave. I didn't raise my voice (I think), but I complained and threatened a lot. And I made Leah cry. I felt bad about that.

I was in the library feeling completely overwhelmed by the mess of books on the floor and those threatening to fall to floor. I started saying that I should just get rid of all the books. And then I zeroed in on Rebekah and Leah because they were the unfortunate souls in the room with me.

I asked them if I should just get rid of all the books. They both agreed and then Leah started to think about it and got very quiet. Meanwhile, Rebekah was too young to be affected by my tyrannical mind game and asked me questions about which books I thought I'd get rid of. She always agreed that I should go ahead and get rid of them.

I had a HUGE pile of books that I'd swept from the unorganized shelves. And it was only half of the books...half of the kids' books, that is. And I saw unshed tears in Leah's eyes.

I admitted that I wasn't going to get rid of the books. I was just angry that no one seemed to care about the books. But I wasn't going to get rid of them because I thought they were important and we needed good books to be able to read.

That's when Leah's tears came. She was so relieved and I felt (again) like a terrible mother. She'll need psychiatric care for sure after this one. I just keep recording these stellar parenting moves so that when the kids are spending hundreds of dollars on therapy, they'll have something to refer to as "the moment."

I never did find the missing book that originally set me off. The payoff? I can walk safely into the library now. It doesn't seem as if it was worth hurting Leah.

Hopeful

The past two days have been surprising; I've had good mornings!

Yesterday, I got through some of the piles in my room that have been growing and weighing on my mind. Today I cleaned up the library and girls' room. I even pulled out the vacuum. I know, it's a shocker.

Now, my hands are shaking and I'm having a hard time typing. But I'm alive and being productive.

One of the reasons I worked so hard this morning is that we've had a library book missing for a few weeks. I hate to lose things that aren't mine. I've looked everywhere for that dumb book, including behind 4 different dressers, in and under beds and in cupboards. I even went through our books one by one. I checked my checked-out books online this morning. Suddenly, the book isn't on my list anymore! It's even listed as checked in! ARGH!

This is not the first time I've been on the hook for a book I'd already returned. This time though it wasn't in the system. I'm wondering if someone else "checked it out" and recently returned it. I can't image it floating around the library for this long. Whatever the reason, I'm glad it's turned up.

It would have been nice to not have to search the nasty boys' room for it when I felt so nasty myself.

In case you're wondering, I'm 13 weeks now. I will start my second trimester on Saturday.

Curious George and the monkeys

The library here had a bedtime storytime event centered around our favorite mischievious monkey.

The kids watch Curious George on TV sometimes. Leah calls him Monkey George. They had some drawings for prizes, art activities, ice cream and bananas in a cup, free books and a chance to take a picture with the monkey himself.

The picture makes me giggle. Nathan looks like he's trying to evaluate the monkey's credentials and you can see what Rebekah's evaluation was! Leah was almost sure she'd made a new friend. Daniel was too mature to go at first, but we talked him into it and it appears he enjoyed himself enough. It was a pretty fun night, but WAY crowded. I don't like crowds.

Leah was "reading" one of the books about Curious George tonight and sounding out his name. She was saying, "Cur-e-us-Geor-or-ga." It was funny. She's heard Daniel sound out tons of words, but she doesn't quite know how it goes.