Blogging, or Not Blogging

I started my blog over six years ago as a way to keep distant family updated on my growing babies and also a way to write (something I want to do, but don't really have the time to do).

As I have looked back over my posts over the years and had them printed into tangible copies, I have really enjoyed the vivid recounts of little moments that otherwise would have been lost forever. It helped that I had a real audience participating in my stories through the blessing of the internet. The comments left in response were encouraging and really appreciated, but the verbal remarks were more valuable as they gave me a real connection to people.

In 2010, I hit my blogging peak. I was composing blog entries while I mopped the floor, while I drove down the road and every time disaster seemed to strike. If the kids made me laugh with some little quip, I ran to the computer and recorded it. I LOVE reading through those moments!

Even so, my entries have always been motivated by my audience (real and imagined). My journals are influenced in the same way, though writing by hand is much slower and the pictures don't load very easily. I write for an audience, though I expect that my journals will be read after I am gone (at least I hope that I can trust those around me to respect me enough to never pry without permission).

Lately, my real and imagined audiences have decreased. The motivation went with them. It troubles me some as I think of the moments I am no longer recording, but it does seem a blog without an audience is really only a public journal. I no longer consider it worth my time to prepare and upload pictures and tell stories.

As I have thought over the demise of the blog, I have considered how different variables have affected it. The first problem was that I joined Facebook. If I put on FB, it seemed to ease the urge to blog about it. Plus, I was getting way more response that way!

A second problem is a family problem. I have struggled with this for years now. I claim much of the blame, but have little to be proud of in any resolutions. The truth is, I don't speak with one of my sisters. She made it clear enough how she felt and I finally gave up trying to fix it. Another sister is too busy. I know she doesn't read the blog. She has admitted it to me. My brother interacts with me via FB and I have appreciated his efforts to connect. Even so, he's a guy and the connection is different. I haven't spoken to my mother since February 2nd. The few times before that I attempted to talk with her were cut short. She says she doesn't have time to talk. I guess she prefers indirect contact. She recently started commenting on my posts more, but nothing in real time.

The distant relationship with my family has taken a toll on the blog. Sometimes I don't want to blog because I don't want them to know what is happening in my life. If they were to call, I don't know if I would answer the phone. So what is it? Do I want contact or not? I don't even understand what I am thinking!

On the other hand, I have regular contact with my Dad. Usually, we don't even agree about the things we discuss, but I know he is interested in what I am saying. The blog does help us in keeping the conversation fresh and moving. Our conversations can last 2 or 3 hours. And then I have to charge my phone!

A third factor is a trend I have noticed repeats itself way too often: I keep losing friends. I have pondered on this endlessly and cannot figure out what I am doing wrong. The friends that used to comment on my blog are now silent and their absence causes me to lose confidence that I am blogging about something of value.

The last reason for the decline in my blogging (that comes to mind) is the struggle that I have with being proper and avoiding topics too controversial. The times I did relax and share strong emotion seemed to cause greater tension. Well, if I can't be honest about how I feel, what the heck am I doing? My life isn't all flowers and sunshine...sometimes it's tornadoes and stink weeds! If my sister doesn't want to accept my multiple apologies or my mom really isn't interested in what happens in my life or my friends can't remember the 7 digits that make up my number, why in the world should that dictate what goes into my blog?

So the question I have pondered is, what is the purpose of my blog? Obviously, it's not to keep my family connected, but Chad's family is gracious and comments occasionally. Apparently it's not to give my feelings a voice. I'm not someone with hundreds or thousands of readers (if I have 20, I'm surprised).

I am not posting any of this to cause a firestorm or get a bunch of sympathy comments. Things are what they are...I've only stated what I consider to be facts, without emotion. However, I would like to know if there is any reason to continue this blog. Does it serve a purpose, other than giving me a record of my family's activities? Is there anything here that can't be shared via FB? Maybe I should go private and really know who my audience is. I appreciate any insight.