Trust Issues

I have them.  Deep-rooted, too.  I'd tell you their history, but I don't know if I can trust you.  And so the cycle continues.

The thing I hate about moving the most, even more than packing/unpacking and finding new schools and doctors, is having to get to know people again.  Don't misunderstand what I mean.  I like to meet new people.  I think I'm pretty good at having a conversation with someone I've just met.  But everyone needs a base of operations.  I keep losing mine.

I have a child in a similar situation.  They are struggling with change and finding a new place to belong.  I have spent so much energy on this little soul to smooth the transition and support it through the bumpy spots.  But I'm also a little envious because while they can get away with leaving a situation in tears and finding safety at my side, I don't have that freedom.  (Honestly, I believe all of my children are struggling in some way or another, though one seems to be doing better than most.  Others are just in survival mode and retreating into a silence that seems standoffish...because it kind of is.  And the adults they are dealing with aren't really reaching out to them.)  I am not naming names to respect their feelings.  But if you know us well enough, you know who they are.

Recently, I've had several experiences that have caused me to want to go into my own standoffish survival mode.  The general gist of what keeps happening is:  Hey, Arlyn!  Come join us!  What is your opinion?  No, really, we want to know.  That opinion isn't the same as ours.  We don't accept it.  Go back to what you were doing.  Haha, just kidding (not really).

Because of these recent interactions, I have started to stay on the fringe.  And yesterday, they left me right there.  They did bring me a chair from their group so I didn't have to stand the whole time...in the fringe.  To be fair, I was dealing with a fringe-seeking child, but even after that issue resolved itself, I continued to hold down my chair and keep an eye on the minutes ticking by.  When it was finally time to leave, I felt such a chasm that I had one of my children return the chair for me so I wouldn't have to face the other women and walked to my car without saying anything to anyone.  Next time, I'll just wait in the car.  The hope of being included is starting to fade.

Why do I have such trust issues?  Well, some of them come from a bit of a nightmare that keeps repeating itself:  I make a friend that I think is a pretty close friend and start to share my insecurities, including the fact that I keep losing friends and don't understand why (to which they are supportively appalled at), and they end up ditching me down the road, too.  Warm fuzzies?  No.  Unless you want to count the heat I feel in my face as they "don't see" me when they walk past.

And why do I so keenly feel the sting of being excluded from a group?  That's also something I can't share without trusting you.

If you are the person that immediately has a bunch of suggestions on how I should be friendlier and just introduce myself, trust in the atonement, pray, etc., then I will know I won't be opening up to you.  This tells me you are making judgements with assumptions and not facts and you will not be my "safe place" when I need you.

I dreamed a dream

I dream a lot...weird, stressful, unhelpful dreams. I wish I could dream less. I hope that the heavens don't ever try to contact me through dreams, because I'd probably dismiss what I dreamt and miss the whole opportunity for instruction.

"That being said," (inside joke to Chad) I have to report my dream from last night. I dreamed we were planning a move from Idaho to somewhere in western Washington state. And then I found out I was pregnant on top of it. UGH. I've given away all my baby stuff! I don't enjoy being pregnant. Is the dream a nightmare? Truthfully, I would love to have the beauty of western WA in my backyard again.

So the dream was good and bad. I've dreamt about moving before; we lived about 15 minutes away from here. So you see, dreams do come true! But is that necessarily a good thing?

Another failure

Well, I gave it a good try, but moving into a new house did not put me into labor as I had secretly hoped. Even lifting and moving furniture that I knew I shouldn't attempt only made me tired. I have failed. Luckily, I have a back-up plan that will be put into motion at 5:30 am on the 13th!

We have been sleeping at the house for 6 nights now. We're slowly settling in. However, we're not completely moved out of the old house, including the computer and my connection to the big outside world (the internet). I need to make that call tomorrow.

I plan to take those much promised pictures tonight and post them tomorrow during breaks between the boys' parent-teacher conferences with their old teachers. See how devoted I am to their educations? I'm RETURNING to meet with their teachers!

I'll share some stories from their first day of school and maybe expound on our first day of church in our new ward (if any of it seems remotely interesting by then).

We are battling childhood illnesses at the moment and are up to our ankles in snot. Luckily, it's the week BEFORE the baby comes and not the week of or after.

Our phone number has not changed, so we should be easy to track down.

Until tomorrow...

Happy Halloween to you

Here's Daniel at school for his Halloween party. This picture was taken less than 45 minutes ago. Talk about FRESH!

We're attending our ward Halloween party tonight. Our last function as local residents. We've now spent two nights in our new house. We still have a bunch of junk to move over.

I had a dr.'s appt this morning. My blood pressure is up (for me) and my hands and feet are beginning to swell. Thirteen days until this baby is here!

Making progress...I think.

Whew! This moving stuff is not for the weak or very pregnant!

We got our carpet installed on Friday. Thursday was a rush to get ready for the installers. I soon felt so overwhelmed that I called the RS President to ask for help. She and two other women met me (and Nathan) at the house to work for several hours.

One sister pulled staples out of the floor (from the old carpet padding). The other two worked with a steamer and scrapers to get the WORST wallpaper off the walls of the girls' room. They were in there for hours. I had already spent a bunch of fruitless time trying to get it off. Why can't they make a wallpaper that's removable? (There is still a border around the top of the wall in another room that needs to come down, but I can't do it and Chad isn't feeling very motivated.) I wiped down the walls to prepare for painting.

That night I was so tired and sore that I could barely put one foot in front of the other. I took the kids home to put them to bed and Chad stayed to clean up and spray the paint on the walls. He was there, by himself, until after 2 AM. The carpet installers arrived at 8 AM Friday.

A friend of mine came over Friday night to help me get started on the painting. We put a coat of paint in the living room after very carefully laying drop cloth all over the new carpet. We attempted to scrape off the paper left behind by the steamer crew, but soon gave up on that when we didn't make much progress. She vacuumed up the mess left by the carpet installation and we headed home sometime around 9 PM.

Saturday morning, I took the girls to the house and Chad took the boys to get a trailer and start emptying the storage unit. I taped and painted another wall in the living room (we were going to leave it white, but then changed our minds) and was almost done by the time Chad arrived with the first load. After lunch I started on the wallpaper nightmare again. This time I brought different ammunition and actually got some good results! My friend came back over and together we cleaned the walls, put a second coat on the living room, washed the now wallpaper-free walls, taped and got a first coat of paint on. That took us nearly 4 hours. Meanwhile, Chad finished emptying the trailer for the second time and drove back to town to return it.

That night (last night) we went back. Chad painted a second coat in the girls' room while I changed out doorknobs and dead bolts. Now I don't consider myself a helpless person when it comes to little tasks like changing a lock. I was ready to pull out my hair and the doors by the time I got finished with the locks. Things weren't fitting well, weren't aligned right, etc. I even had to install one dead bolt upside down because the holes in the door weren't in the right places. We came home at 10 PM. We all slept well.

The kids want to know when we're going to sleep there. That's not going to happen until my whole bed makes it. A mattress and a box spring are not going to cut it. Chad has a bunch of work to do and he isn't sure when he's going to be ready to move beds. I'm wishing for a genie. I would like to just get the stuff over there and get it put away. I still don't exactly know where everything is going to go. It's making me feel a little overwhelmed. The fact that this baby is coming in 3 weeks has a lot to do with it.

We attended our ward for the last time today. That was a surreal feeling. Some people still don't know that we're moving. They'll either figure it out, or try to reactivate us! I taught one last time today. I felt so huge standing up there. This baby isn't trying to hide. The lesson went well, though.

So now this week I just want to get things moved and put away. We'll take it day by day and be grateful for what gets accomplished. If I'm lucky, I won't kill myself. If I'm really lucky, I'll put myself into labor and have a good reason to stop working so hard! (Which is only a good plan if the baby is healthy through all that.)

P.S. I haven't forgotten the promise of pictures. I'm working on that!

HELP!

We recorded yesterday and Chad started ripping out carpet. I think you should know that Superman did it all by himself! And Supergirl shampooed the carpets (the ones we didn't rip out) and did most of the pre-vacuuming all by herself. I also cleaned the fridge/freezer and stove top yesterday. I nearly couldn't move last night.

I did have a friend with me yesterday morning helping me. If we were doing more work in the evening, we could have probably found some more help. We worked until about 6 or so last night. Chad went back after the kids were in bed and I watched "The Nightmare Before Christmas" from my bed! He got home just before 11.

This morning (it's not even 8 am yet), we're headed to Home Depot for paint and supplies. We're going to be in the middle of a painting frenzy because they come to install carpet tomorrow. Anyone out there like to paint? I wonder how much I can do from a chair? The windows are also disgusting. Anyone out there "do windows?"

I'll have pictures tomorrow night or Saturday...after all the messy work is over.

Closing today

We have our closing scheduled for 3 pm this afternoon. This means I'll be cleaning much of the day tomorrow.

We got a better look at the roof and more information. It's not the best fix (and, uh, I could have done it that well), but it looks like it will be ok for now. We're still getting $150 credit to have it properly done when we're ready. It's because of a bunch of cables that are fastened to the outside of the house. (Apparently, part of the house was once used as a call center of some sort.) When they put the cables up, they drilled through the siding and now water drips along the roof and cables into the hole. And it's on the back side of the garage, leaking into the sheathing of the garage wall = no damage to the walls of the house itself.

Anyway, I'm really grateful that we've got plans to replace the carpet since we were overcome with the stench of pet odor in the master bedroom. She must have a had a good air freshener going when we walked through before! I've got to shampoo the carpets that aren't being removed and clean, clean, clean. The bathrooms and kitchen were left in a pretty state and the walls of the house are badly in need of paint. Have I mentioned that I'm having a baby soon? It may even be sooner!

Speaking of having this baby, my delivery has been formally scheduled with the hospital. We have to be there at 5:30 am on 13 November. That's exactly 4 weeks from today!! I'd be dishonest if I said I wasn't looking forward to the drugs that will force me into sleep. I wish I had some already! Now if I could just find some way to keep the nurses away from me so I can really get some rest! :)

I have been scrapbooking some old pictures of myself. It was because of a challenge we had with our ward SB group. I caution you, one of them is of me in a bikini...so peek at your own risk!


Rebekah was arguing with me because she thought these were pictures of her. I think I've finally convinced her that Mommy used to be little, too!

Walk Through this afternoon

We finally have our walk through this afternoon! FINALLY! We have some measuring that we want to do for new carpet.

The seller was supposed to investigate and fix a leak in the roof of the house that has been leaking for a while (years). It took the roof guy nearly 3 weeks to get his lazy behind out there and all he ends up doing is caulking the roof where it's leaking! He was supposed to pull back some of the roof and make sure that the water didn't do any internal damage, and the inspector was supposed to get a peek, too. After that, he was supposed to flash the roof where it meets the side of the house its butted up against. Instead, he decided that he could determine that there was no internal damage from his viewpoint and just caulked it. When the realtor mentioned that it was supposed to be flashed, he said that would be another $150 to go back out there and do that. So they're thinking they're going to give us a $150 credit at closing.

Unfortunately, they're dealing with a cranky pregnant woman who is irritated that it took this long to even get to the roof and that this genius roof guy just made his own decisions. If they're going to give us a credit, it's going to be for more than $150! And I want a different roof guy!

SO, if we can work all that out, there is a chance that we could close today. If not, then likely tomorrow. After a day's wait, we can start ripping out carpet and moving some stuff over. Hopefully, the carpet can be installed at the beginning of the week.

We have one more week in this ward. I am teaching one more RS lesson. They did call a new teacher to replace me, but she's unable to teach next week, so I guess I'm subbing! That's kind of what happened when we left Washington. It must be tradition.

I had my dr's appt. today. I hit 190 lbs. Ugh. I hope this is a 35 lb baby! I'm now on weekly appointments. I get to go back on Halloween morning. Right in the middle of moving.

I did have some productivity this morning. I did a load of laundry, swept and mopped the kitchen/dining/laundry/bathroom floors, and made two loaves of bread before rushing out the door just before 9:30. I was a little late for my appt., but I'm sure it made little difference in my wait time.

I made just one scrapbook page this week. I would probably make more if this chair was a little softer!

This one is from Rebekah's blessing, nearly two years ago. She has changed a lot!

I've nearly finished the blessing outfit for this baby. I worked on it several days in a row and then took a long weekend. I need to get it finished in the next day or so. It's a little jumper with a jacket, so there's the reason for taking so long. This little guy is getting blessing during an Idaho winter...he needs a jacket! :)

*SIGH*

We listed our house with the realtor today. We were still attacking final details when he arrived with his camera.

A ton of our very valuable but worldly possessions are in a storage unit. The rooms don't seem too small anymore. Even I've been fooled by this little trick!

My mom came for a couple of days to help us get some things done. We wouldn't have made it without her help. (The house and yard wouldn't have looked good, at least.) We appreciate her help. It was a little stressful for me, but it was a price worth paying.

I still have to go around parts of the house and eliminate fingerprints on walls. I haven't even touched the windows yet. I nearly acquired a dust allergy cleaning off the computer cabinet. I'm surprised I didn't surprise anything living.

We are tired and look forward to relaxing tonight. I look forward to no contractions in the middle of cleaning! I expect my back will stop aching in a couple of days.

Now I just have to keep it all under control. (Let's hope that it sells quickly.) I don't think I've been able to convey the seriousness of the clutter containment to the kids. Daniel looks at me like I'm crazy. I am, but that's beside the point.

In addition to cleaning and making a trip to DI (and why do I have another pile started already?), I've made two trips to the county animal shelter. I've now delivered 2 grown cats and a kitten. I'm shooting for one more kitten and one more cat, if they're dumb enough to be caught in the cat trap. My greatest triumph is that the ever-bearing mother cat is now in county custody and will be put down or spayed before being released. THANK YOU! Three litters (11 kittens) in a year is plenty of unwanted kitties.

Hopefully, I don't have any neighbors with outside cats roaming around. If it gets caught in the trap and doesn't have a collar, it's getting a free ride to the shelter! I may have felt sorry about it last year, but that humane feeling is all gone.

I still have several projects that need completing. I really have no hope that my quilt will be off the frame before we have to move it, but other things aren't so hopeless. In fact, there is an Enrichment mtg. tonight and I'll be bringing my baby afghan to work on. I think people expect it of me by now.

If anyone knows anyone looking for a decent-sized house, in a quiet neighborhood (if you don't count the barking dogs...one of which is our new neighbors. Can you believe he put up his dog kennel in the corner of his yard that is about 7 feet from the boys' bedroom window and 2 feet from where buyers would be passing? It's a little thoughtless. The kennel is closer to our house than to his!), and in a great ward - send them to our house!

OK. I'm sure that last paragraph broke a few English language/mechanics/grammar rules.

I get to have a nap tomorrow! (Watch - now someone will want to look at the house between 12 and 2 most days.)

Some things are just unexpected

Kind of like listening to your friend describe a property one day then hearing her say the next that they've decided not to get it, so you go to look at it yourself on Wednesday (out of curiosity), get the realtor to show it to you at 5 pm on Friday, have people ask you at church on Sunday if you're really moving (and have it announced that your house is for sale - when it's not), look at the house again (and the 5 acres it's attached to) on Monday, make an offer on Wednesday, and accept a counter offer on Thursday. The closing date is "on or before 26 October 2007."

Yeah, that was all unexpected.

The house is a little smaller than the one we have now. (We'll be getting rid of some things we don't need.) BUT, the house is on one acre and there are 4 adjoining acres zoned agricultural. We won't have any immediate neighbors. There is a well, propane tank, and septic system...we're not in the city limits. The land is flood irrigated from the canal that is one of the natural borders of the property.

We're only moving 15 minutes away from where we are now, but it's a different city and different school district as well as a different stake. We've started gearing the boys up to start new schools and friends.

We're going to rent our current home to the same friends that told us about this property as they have just sold their house and will be homeless while they build a new house. This plan has changed. We all just felt like things weren't quite right and have decided to list the house for sale instead of renting. We didn't want to have anything happen to hurt a good friendship and there were too many "iffy" situations.

I moved into our first house when I was 8 months pregnant with Daniel and swore I'd never do that again! (I'll never trust another word out of my mouth.) I'll be even farther along this time! Hmmm...maybe this baby will come earlier than planned! ;)

I kind of feel like a traitor to our ward and friends here. I don't really know why I feel that way. Maybe it's because we're just springing this on everyone so suddenly.

So, anyway. That's what we're up to. What's new with you? ha ha



Here are the promised pictures of the Spud Day parade.

Nathan and Leah watching, but not listening to, the siren-blaring fire trucks go by. They're standing in the street because....









...people throw candy in small-town parades. (This would be deadly in Las Vegas. Plus, all the candy would be melted and sticky.)









Rebekah was a quick study and soon had handfuls of candy.









So she really got upset when she couldn't have a piece of candy whenever she wanted one.









That doesn't mean that she never got one!









Daniel was in the parade this year on the TaVaci trailer. I guess it's supposed to be a float, but I'm being shockingly honest.

It was perfect weather for Spud Day this year. Previous years have been cold or freezing. Last year they were selling hot chocolate. We enjoyed lemonades this year.


One parting shot. Leah and Rebekah before bed this evening. I've learned that Rebekah smiles with her tongue out when posing for a picture. We were at the school getting pictures (school picture day) today and she kept popping that thing out!